Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Letting Go

Letting go is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to do. I didn't know this until just recently, but it really is an issue with me.

My Aunt Donna is in the hospital and, unless she receives a miracle from above, she will die. She's been on life support for 2 months, is unable to talk, unable to move and her entire body is swollen to about 3 times its normal size as she has multiple infections. Her kidneys have also stopped working and dialysis cannot be done as her blood pressure drops dangerously low each time an attempt is made. In short, medically, they've given up.

To watch someone you love suffer leaves you feeling helpless and completely out of control.

I know Elohim is in complete control, I just have no idea what His will is for this situation. Last night I tried to describe my feelings to Mr. Free and all I could tell him is that it's almost like someone telling you that they are going to punch you in your stomach as hard as they can, but that they're not going to tell you when. They also might change their mind and not punch you at all, but they're not going to tell you this. So, basically, you're left wondering day and night, night and day, "is it coming now?" "Am I about to have the wind knocked out of me? Or am I going to be spared the pain for a while longer?" With every moment, no matter what I'm doing, I'm thinking about her and I'm wondering if this is the hour when I'll get that phone call that she's gone.

Then I feel totally selfish. Here she is suffering like I've never seen another human being do and I'm actually praying for her not to die. Although I'm praying for her to also be healed, I'm focusing so much on what I want until I'm probably not seeing what's best for her. A healing would be great, but with a severe blood infection, 5 different other infections, seizures, possible brain damage, kidney damage, paralysis, etc., even if she were to be healed, I'm sure it would be a long, arduous process and perhaps the Father wants to spare her of her pain and suffering and call her home. Ultimately, of course, I pray for His will to be done...and I know it will be, I just want to know what it is!

Which brings me back to the letting go point. Not only do I need to prepare to possibly let her go, but this is truly a test in surrendering all to Him. Just recently, on Sicarii's Blog we'd discussed surrendering to Him. In fact, I'm in the middle of a chapter in an online book about surrendering to Him and it was the topic of discussion in church this past weekend. Someone's trying to tell me something and I really do have to listen. I can't be in control. I want to, but I can't. He is in total control and, while I thought I'd gotten pretty good at surrendering to Him, this most recent trial is teaching me that I still need growth in this area. I'm crying at the drop of a pin and I'm constantly thinking about her. I want to let go, but I need His help...

...and your prayers.

Always in Him,

Free

2 comments:

Sicarii said...

Free,

I felt very sad reading about your aunt, and how you find it difficult to see her thus.

If there's one thing wanting in me, it is my feeling of inadequacy in offering words of consolation. But I just want to let you know that I totally empathize with what you're going through, and my prayers are with you and your aunt.

I pray the Lord that He shall reveal to you His will for your aunt.

I pray the Lord that He will give you strength to accept His will for your aunt and you.

I pray the Lord that His mercy shall be upon your aunt and you, and that His grace shall see you through this difficult episode.

The Lord Jesus Christ bless you and your family, Free. I shall pray for you and your aunt too.

With much love,

Isaiah
A brother-in-Christ

FreeIndeed said...

Isaiah,

Your words and knowing that we're kept in your prayers are a great comfort to me.

Thank you so much.

~Free